Safe in the Arms of God.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I didn't even know this day existed until I saw a friend of mine post about it on Facebook.  A year ago in March, I remembered back to a tiny 5 week ago baby of mine that went straight into the arms of the Lord. Not very many knew that I was pregnant, let alone had a miscarriage. The summer (June/July 2011) I got really sick and had to be in the hospital for almost a week (I was diagnosed with spinal meningitis and  encephalitis) was also the summer  I found out I was pregnant with baby #2. I found out I was pregnant when I went to my 2 week check up after my stay in the hospital. Since Eliana was only 3 months old at the time, and I wasn't quite regulated, I really didn't think there was any way I could get pregnant- but God had other plans. At my check up I found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant and the due date was March 11, 2012. This was 11 days before Eliana's first birthday. It was at this point that I absolutely broke down. I was emotionally and physically drained from everything my body went through in the past two weeks and to find out that I was pregnant with a baby that would be born before Eliana was 1, was almost too much for me to handle. And since this was just supposed to be a routine check up, I went to the appointment by myself. So I'm sitting on the bed in the doctor's office bawling my eyes out and not even knowing what to do or think. I just kept thinking, no. No! This isn't possible! God, how did this happen? Why did this happen?  I was in the room by myself for about 10 minutes before the doctor came in, and those 10 minutes felt like an eternity.  After the doctor came in and we discussed the pregnancy, he told me that I would need to come back for an ultrasound on Monday (today was Friday). The doctor told me that he didn't have high hopes for this pregnancy because of the emotional and physical strain/stress my body had gone through in the past two weeks. After the appointment, Nate met me at home and I told him I was pregnant, but that I didn't want to be, which made me feel very guilty, and that the doctor didn't have high hopes for the pregnancy, which made me feel almost relieved, which also made me VERY guilty and very unspiritual! Those three days were so emotionally draining that I felt like I couldn't cry one more tear. So Monday came and we went to the doctor's for my ultrasound. As I was laying on the bed getting ready for the ultrasound I was telling myself that everything was going to be okay and that I would have two babies under the age of one, and that I can do this because this is what God has entrusted me to do and because I have a very supportive and loving husband! The ultrasound technician started the process and as we were looking at the screen, we saw the tiny amniotic sac with the baby forming inside of it. I have never seen a baby at five weeks and it was very surreal. The doctor then pointed out that the amniotic sac was not forming properly and that I would most likely miscarry the baby within the next few days. At this point, I had no words. I felt guilty for having thoughts about not wanting the baby, and then I felt guilty that now I would be miscarrying the baby after I felt like God had given me peace about being pregnant again so soon. We were given the ultrasound pictures and then we went home. And later that day, I ended up miscarrying our second baby. I never felt the giddy feelings of being pregnant again, I never felt the baby move, I never got to hold the baby in my arms, but I do know that God allowed me to go through that for a special reason even though I don't know what that reason is. I can rest in these truths: that He is good and that one day- I will see my precious, little baby again!